Today was not a good day. I'll spare everyone the details, but it was not a good day. As I sat bawling about today's 'events', Nicholas walked up to me. Our conversation has changed me forever.
He said, "Mommy, are you okay? Mommy, are you sad? Mommy, are you hurt? Mommy, did I make you sad?". The look on his face I can't even describe. Heartbroken is probably the best word for it. I hadn't said anything to him since the crying started, but some how in his little 3 year old mind, this was his fault. First I felt like I had failed as a mother-that my child could see me cry and assume it was his fault, that I let my child see me so broken in the first place, that I ever let myself be in a position to BE so broken (again). All I could see was failure. What have I done that would make him think that??? What came next was gratitude. That I have been given a child who is so intuitively caring is truly a gift.
"No, sweetie, you didn't make me sad. You make mommy very happy." I said.
"Why are you crying mommy."
"Sometimes things happen that make mommy sad, but they aren't your fault."
"Can I make you happy, Mommy?!"
"Yes, sweetie, you can make mommy very happy. You can go pee in the potty, that would make mommy VERY happy!"
"Okay Mommy, c'mon I'm gonna use the potty!!!"
LOL, soooo yeah I kind of killed it by manipulating him into using the potty, but he's been the best his been in weeks the rest of the afternoon. I guess he could tell it wasn't a good day for Mommy and he was trying to be nice :)
Anyway, my life changing moment...tiny moments of weakness can have a profound and lasting impact on those around us. Yes, I know its important that kids know their parents are real people too, but I don't ever want to be the cause of that look on Nicholas's face again. My new goal-the act rather than react when the kids act up, and to make sure to tell them more how much I love them and how happy they make me just by being them.