The beauty of Children

Today was not a good day. I'll spare everyone the details, but it was not a good day. As I sat bawling about today's 'events', Nicholas walked up to me. Our conversation has changed me forever.

He said, "Mommy, are you okay? Mommy, are you sad? Mommy, are you hurt? Mommy, did I make you sad?". The look on his face I can't even describe. Heartbroken is probably the best word for it. I hadn't said anything to him since the crying started, but some how in his little 3 year old mind, this was his fault. First I felt like I had failed as a mother-that my child could see me cry and assume it was his fault, that I let my child see me so broken in the first place, that I ever let myself be in a position to BE so broken (again). All I could see was failure. What have I done that would make him think that??? What came next was gratitude. That I have been given a child who is so intuitively caring is truly a gift.
"No, sweetie, you didn't make me sad. You make mommy very happy." I said.
"Why are you crying mommy."
"Sometimes things happen that make mommy sad, but they aren't your fault."
"Can I make you happy, Mommy?!"
"Yes, sweetie, you can make mommy very happy. You can go pee in the potty, that would make mommy VERY happy!"
"Okay Mommy, c'mon I'm gonna use the potty!!!"

LOL, soooo yeah I kind of killed it by manipulating him into using the potty, but he's been the best his been in weeks the rest of the afternoon. I guess he could tell it wasn't a good day for Mommy and he was trying to be nice :)

Anyway, my life changing moment...tiny moments of weakness can have a profound and lasting impact on those around us. Yes, I know its important that kids know their parents are real people too, but I don't ever want to be the cause of that look on Nicholas's face again. My new goal-the act rather than react when the kids act up, and to make sure to tell them more how much I love them and how happy they make me just by being them.

Life-never what you think its going to be...

This paragraph started as part of my 'update' post, but it really needs to be revised and to keep the dates in correct order, I decided to give it its own post...

For those that saw my 'other post', I'm sorry to have roped you all into the drama that seems to pop up just when I think things are going well. Life is what it is and its just something I have to learn to live for now. I'm trying to have faith that the Lord really is doing this for my own good and I'm going to be better off in the long run after I've faced all this, but some times it hard to have eternal perspective when you are struggling to get through the minutes each day. Thank you all for you love and support, it means more than you can ever know.

Playing catch up!

Once again, I fail at blogging LOL! But since I can't give anything up until I've gotten it 'right' (with the exception of driving stick-I did give up on ever being good at that) I'm going to try AGAIN.

The biggest news-Alice LeeAnne was born May 21st at 4:47pm. I think she was trying to find balance of the worst parts of my labors with Nicholas and Drew. She took longer than Drew, but not as long Nicholas, however, she was by FAR more painful than Drew. *Someone* forgot to warn me that the crazy red-headed anesthesiologist (who we'll refer to as 'CRA') is more likely to cause me permanent spinal damage than to administer an epidural properly. So I went through getting needled in the back for AN HOUR only to end up STILL in pain.

The pain was finally ended by a miracle :) My OB was in emergency surgery so his partner had come to check on me (I think the yelling was starting to concern my nurse so she must have called him-laboring while stuck in bed with no pain relief is a little painful,just sayin.) Anyway, turns out he does his own epidurals. Now, when a doctor looks at a previous doctor's work and says "What the heck is all this?!?!?" (referring to the ROLL of medical tape CRA used on my back during my failed epidural) you know someone screwed up. So like an angel of mercy and the devil incarnate wrapped into one he ripped ALL the tape off my back, shot me in the spine with something else (yes I was in too much pain to care what he was doing to me so I didn't ask what he gave me) and like magic, THE PAIN WAS GONE!!!!! WOOHOO!!! 10 minutes later, Alice decided it wasn't any fun to stay inside if it wasn't torturing mommy, so she finally made her appearance. She was as perfect looking as the boys and weighted in at 7 pounds even and 19.5 inches long-making her the tiniest of my 3 babies.

Many times over the past 3 years Ryan and I have mused over what a female version of Nicholas would be like (since he's more dramatic than any little girl either of us have ever known). Well now we now-her name is ALICE! Don't get me wrong, she's my perfect dark-haired, blue eyed beautiful baby and I love everything about her (did I mention her DARK HAIR?!?!? WOOHOO!), but I'm more than slightly afraid of her growing up. But for now I'm just enjoying everything about her because I know before I've had a chance to catch my breath she'll be all grown up and I want to enjoy every minute of my little girl.

Nicholas is an interesting kid. For all his "me me me"-ness and his constant need to be the center of attention he is also a fantastic big brother. Never once have we had sibling rivalry issues with him and Drew or him and Alice. He and Drew really are best friends and if they are apart for any length of time, it really wears on both of them. Nicholas loves helping with the younger kids, and especially loves teaching Drew how to do things. Thankfully for right now everything he's teaching him is pretty harmless, and in some cases actually good for him. I'm sure that will change eventually LOL!

Drew, I don't even know where to start about my Drew-Drew. Drew really doesn't stand a chance in the attention department with Nicholas and Alice as siblings, but some how he doesn't seem to mind. Ryan and I make a special effort to spend one-on-one time with him every day (in addition to time spent with everyone together) so he doesn't get totally eclipsed by his much more attention-needing siblings. Drew is magic :) He's the light in my dark times when Nicholas and Alice threaten to steal my last bit of sanity. Heavenly Father definitely knew what he was doing when he sent Drew. He's an amazing kid.

Oh, and I'm happy to update that my business "Two Cheeky Monsters" is doing well and is currently stocking with these first two group and will be stocking soon at the third...

Creative Mamas
Stop, Shop, Drool
Nectar

My individual store will be stocking again in September :)

My 'other' blog...

This is mostly copied from my starting post on my new blog...

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I decided while updating our family [this] blog that I really need my own space for things other than cut and dry updates on our family. I'm not making [my new blog] private, but this way people can choose if they wants 'just the facts' or if they want the full details of what's going on from my perspective :) Plus, this way I have some place to write without worrying about hurting people's feelings. We don't all have the relationships we want with our family members and that can lead to hurt feelings, so if you read [my new blog], please don't take anything negative I [may] say personally unless I actually call you out and say 'Hey so-and-so, this is for/about you!'

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Feel free to check it out if you want at http://theedgeofcrazy.blogspot.com/ , but fair warning-it may be just rambling and complaining or knitting and cloth diapering chatter, its my new place to talk about whatever is going through my head that day :)

Poor Nicholas...

We ended up coming down to Phoenix Thursday night instead of Friday night and that meant we got to see my mom one more time before she left for Germany. We figured Nicholas would take her leaving pretty hard, but I wasn't prepared for the disappointment in his face every time he mentions Grandma and we remind him she's on her way to Germany. In all likelihood he won't get to talk to her again until she gets home on the 12th which will officially be the longest time he's gone without talking to her or seeing her either in person or via video chat :( We keep trying to explain where she is and where she's going and while he repeats "Grandma's on an airplane, Grandma's going to Germany" I don't think he really understands. We decided to go over to Cabelas tonight to let the boys have some time out of the house and when we got back Nicholas came in and said, "Grandma!!! Where are you??? Grandma, are you here???" I know its mostly pregnancy hormones, but I nearly cried as I saw the look on his face and had to explain, again, that Grandma was still on the plane to Germany. Poor little guy. He stole my mom's make up bag before she left (no worries, she got the make up out of it first!) and her old work ID badge and keeps carrying them around with him. In fact, they had to come to Cabelas with us too because he couldn't leave them at the house. We've been tracking her flight progress all evening, but now the plane is out of FAA covered air space so we don't have the flight path tracker to watch anymore so he's upset about that. I just don't know what to do for him but cuddle him and tell him Grandma loves him and will be home next time we come to visit.

At the moment I think its a toss up as to who's worse though-Nicholas or my dad. Since Ryan has his own means of transportation home I'm thinking about keeping the boys down here for a couple more days so he has company in the evenings. He and my mom have NEVER been apart this long in their 26 years of marriage and he doesn't seem to know how to function properly without her here (kinda funny, but also kind of sad.) My mom won't be in contact much during the trip either so that makes him even more nervous. Who would have thought travelling could be so stressful for the people NOT actually traveling?!?!